Going to church doesn`t make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car.
The secret of realizing the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously! Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius!
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn`t swim.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
We spend the first twelve months of our children`s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
I`m a genius but nobody knows it but me.
Faith is a wondrous thing; it is not only capable of moving mountains, but also of making you believe that a herring is a race horse.
You know that passage in the Bible that says, "And the meek shall inherit the Earth"? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, "And the geek shall inherit the Earth.".
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn`t make it a leg.