Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman

stage name of Henry Youngman, English-born American comedian
16 March 1906 — 24 February 1998

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I`ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she`ll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

What`s the use of happiness? It can`t buy you money.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

You can`t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn`t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

I`ve kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

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