Funny Quotes

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

Isaac Asimov

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can`t remember the other two.

Norman Wisdom

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Mae West

Normal people [...] believe that if it ain`t broke, don`t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain`t broke, it doesn`t have enough features yet.

Scott Adams

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

Tom Lehrer

Success didn`t spoil me, I`ve always been insufferable.

Fran Lebowitz

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I`m gonna put pins into all the locations that I`ve traveled to. But first, I`m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won`t fall down.

Mitchell Lee Hedberg

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

William Claude Fields

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

Theodore Roosevelt

Airplane travel is nature`s way of making you look like your passport photo.

Al Gore

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

John Marwood Cleese

When you become senile, you won`t know it.

Bill Cosby

Nothing so needs reforming as other people`s habits.

Mark Twain